IVF Take Two
IVF: Take two
After 3 months of waiting, partially for my body to heal, and partially due to genetic testing hold ups, we finally were able to resume another transfer. It was the end of September when I went in to start my transfer cycle. If you’ve read my whole story, you may remember that we moved to IVF quickly back in February because Dave’s insurance covered the procedure, which wasn’t super common, and we figured he may get a new job in September. Sure enough, he secured a “Director of Special Education” position in a new school. This meant insurance changes.
I presented my new insurance card which started in October. Unfortunately this new insurance would mean I was “out of network”. I was told that insurance would not cover this transfer cycle. After a few phone calls, I found out about something called “continuation of care”, which is a tremendous loophole to continue care with an out of network provider. I completed a “transition of care” form with the help of my doctor’s office, and faxed it over to my insurance company. Worst case scenario, we would be responsible for 20% of the charges and insurance would cover 80%. We moved forward with the cycle.
Two weeks later, I went in for my next appointment. I was basically told that there was no point continuing with this doctor’s office because I could have to pay out of pocket due to insurance issues. I spoke with a nurse who recommended transferring to a new clinic mid-cycle, telling them it was urgent, and proceeding with a transfer. I left the doctor’s office determined to find somewhere that would work with me. After 24 hours of googling, phone calls, emails, prayers, and tears, I had gotten nowhere. I received sympathetic answers on the phone, but would later be told that it was just not feasible to change clinics mid-cycle.
Another nurse called me from my regular doctor’s office the next day and explained that I could not just stop the medications I was on, but had to take other medications in order to get my body back to normal. So I took pills to end my cycle. Three days after I started the pills, the insurance company finally called me back to say that they were sorry for the delay, but my insurance was active again.
We are now at the point where we could technically proceed with the doctor we’ve been with for a year, but would have to wait until a new cycle and we would have to pay at least 20% of the costs associated with IVF (best case scenario). Despite wanting to continue with them, we decided that it was better to transfer to a place that was “in network” where we would get 100% coverage. It is very difficult to make logical decisions in such an emotional context, and I encourage anyone going through this process to try and think logically despite your heart’s desperate desires.
IVF: New Clinic
In October 2020, Dave and I zoomed with a new doctor who was “in network” since we could not afford to pay upwards of $20,000 that our old clinic required due to insurance changes. We had been hoping to move our embryos out of the old clinic that month so that we could get an IVF cycle started in November or December, but we spent 6 weeks coordinating with the old and the new doctors’ offices, filling out paperwork, getting it notarized, and finding a courier service that would transport our embryos without charging us an arm and a leg.
It was not until January 26th that our embryos finally got moved to the new facility.
After 4 years of various delays/interruptions/changes to timetables, this disappointment was one to add to my list. However, I have to also remind myself that God’s timing is perfect, and God’s timing is not my timing. Starting a new job in January, and going through an IVF cycle would not be the wisest. Speaking of a new job, I want to share the details on that because I truly believe that is an instrumental step on my journey to carrying a baby!
This is the thoughtful card I found on my desk from Dave when I started my last day of work!
Behind the Scenes
I have always wondered whether the stress of my job was impacting my ability to get/stay pregnant.
For the month of November/December, I personally prayed that God would teach me to live a life that promotes life within me. My job at the time required me to be on call 24 hours a day, 5 days a week (and some weekends), and the work I was doing involved managing many challenging people, clients, parents, and programs. For seven years, I found myself unable to achieve a healthy work life balance. This was only amplified during the COVID outbreak, as I was working 12-16 hour shifts with minimum staffing and taking care of adults who had tested positive. I wore protective gear, and managed to avoid testing positive, but the stress of it all was too much.
The Sunday after Thanksgiving, I had a vivid dream that I handed in my notice at work. In the dream, it felt so freeing, and so logical. I woke up convicted, and that week I officially resigned. This was a major step of faith (and huge risk) for someone who did not have another job lined up, but I felt at peace. I knew that this was something I needed to do in order to let my mind, body, and spirit rest.
The Monday after I resigned, I had an interview with a company that values their employees and provided me with an opportunity to work from home, Monday-Friday 40 hours with mandatory lunch breaks. The work was rewarding in a new way, and required absolutely no thought or time on my evenings and weekends.
Update: February 2021
After one week of training on my new job, I was over a week late and experiencing some symptoms that seemed very suspicious! I decided to take a pregnancy test. It was positive. I immediately thought “God is answering our prayer. He is confirming that I made the right move in leaving my job!”
Dave and I were in shock at this news, but we were also overjoyed and stunned at how God answered our specific prayer of getting pregnant naturally. In December, we had been praying fervently that God would bless us with a natural pregnancy resulting in a healthy baby with no genetic issues. It was a bold and dangerous prayer. But God answered it, or so we thought at the time. We enjoyed a few weeks of a relatively smooth pregnancy until February 4th, 2021.
I was worrying. I didn't feel pregnant and was having symptoms that were concerning. February 4th was the day our IVF baby was supposed to be born had she made it full term. It was a day that I just felt off. February 5th we called the doctor and were told to head in as soon as we could to be seen. However, once we got there, Dave was told he had to stay outside (thank you COVID).
Going in for an ultrasound by myself, fearing the worst, was horrible. Dave’s experience rivaled mine, as he sat on the floor by the elevators in the hospital with no idea what was going on. On top of that, the sonographer said she could not discuss anything with me while doing the ultrasound and only the doctor could share the results. So I sat in silence while she poked around and took pictures of whatever was inside me. It felt like forever.
At the end of the ultrasound, she said quietly "listen really carefully". And I heard a faint beat, beat, beat. She had me hold my breath so that we could hear more clearly. Then she said I could get dressed and meet the doctor to go over things. She had me walk down to the end of the hall by myself where I stood, looking left to right and making it clear to the two ladies standing at the desk that I had no idea where I should go.
One of them turned to me and said are you here to see Dr. H? I nodded. She said “That’s me!” and gave me what I would call a COVID embrace (while remaining 6ft apart) as she opened her arms wide and led me down the hall to her office. I immediately felt at ease. She asked me to take a seat and clean up her messy desk while she gathered my paperwork.
I laughed and informed her that I do love to clean! Thankfully this doctor told me to go and get Dave from the waiting area so that he could hear the results. He sat down next to me in the empty office and asked me what was going on. I told him how I heard a heartbeat but that was it. When the doctor returned, she sat in her chair on the other side of the desk, introduced herself, and said "Well, you are pregnant, but.
“BUT...”
The baby's heart rate is very low. It's at 79 and we really need it to be at a minimum of 80 at this point". Ideally it would be above 120 beats per minute. She explained that even though it's 1 beat lower, it's very concerning and there is not a good prognosis.
We asked a few more questions and then were told that the next step was to return in a week for another ultrasound. Things would go one of two ways - either the heart rate would increase, or it would not. I was to call her if I had any concerns over the weekend as she was the one on call.
In my head, I thought it would have been easier to process this situation if there was no heartbeat at all. At least then I'd not be left in the waiting. I'd not still have hopes to be dashed. I'd not be praying for this heart beat to increase, all the while fearing that it wouldn’t. I’d not be hoping that my child would make it out of the womb.
But then I rolled my eyes as my faith kicked in. It's in the waiting that we draw close to God. It's in the pain that we need him to comfort us.
On Tuesday February 9th, my body experienced the most painful cramps I’ve ever endured along with losing a lot of blood. We called the doctor who said it sounded like I was miscarrying and could expect 5-6 hours of cramping/heavy bleeding followed by a few days of continued bleeding.
My appointment two days later confirmed that the miscarriage was in progress, but I still had a lot more work to do in order to complete the process naturally. After going through three D&C procedures, I was thankful to have the opportunity to miscarry at home without anesthesia, albeit a longer more painful experience.
Very few people on earth know the right thing to say in times like these. God knows. It's in the suffering that we can step back to look at earth vs. heaven. We can appreciate that pain and disappointment will eventually come to an end. It's in the waiting that we become stronger. Even when we feel so weak and discouraged.
“The greatest witness you will ever have is your example of the way you handle pain”.
The above is a quote from Rick Warren that I came across in a devotional that my father-in-law sent me. I was not thrilled to read this the day after I found out my baby’s heartbeat was unlikely to sustain its life, but I read it multiple times, and was inspired.
I think this not only applies to how we handle pain personally, but how we treat others going through pain. To those of you who have been through or are going through miscarriage (or any other heart-wrenching struggle): know this pain is because we are on earth. Things here are tough. They hurt. They are sad. They don't make any sense. Things here, we may never understand.
One thing I do understand is that we were not created to go through these burdens alone. God wants to be there for you. He wants to wrap you in His arms. He even wants to hear if you are mad at Him! Tell God how you feel.
For those who have loved ones going through pain and struggles, pray for them. Pray for peace that surpasses understanding. Pray for comfort. If there are other needs you can meet, then think creatively of how to do this. We have some friends who dropped off a card in the mail. It contained a gift card to a restaurant. It gave us a night to pick what we wanted to eat without needing to shop, prep, cook, and clean up.
We really struggled with the “why” behind all this. Why would God “half answer” our prayer that December? Why would God have us go through a third miscarriage? Why would God let us get pregnant if it were only to end like this?
I don’t know the answers to these questions, and I doubt I ever will. Some things are just too lofty for me to comprehend.
Ultimately, God's timing is perfect and he knows best. When we truly trust him, we don't need to understand. This leads me to a song near and dear to my heart "New Wine". It's extremely hard to sing in times like these, but the lyrics ring so true. In the crushing, in the pressing, you are making new wine. Listen here.
